Before You Enter
Bring snacks.
Do not bring snacks you like. You will not want to share, and sharing is mandatory in there.
Tell someone where you're going.
They will not believe you. Tell them anyway, it's tradition.
Check the lights before you commit.
If the fluorescent light flickers twice, that's just the light. If it flickers three times, congratulations, you now have a light opinion.
If You Hear Something
If you hear your name, it's not your mom.
Your mom is not in the backrooms. Probably.
If you hear typing but there's no keyboard...
...that's just Steve. He does that. Not Skin-Deep Steve. The other one. There is no other one. Never mind.
The hum is not a song.
Even though you will absolutely start humming along by hour two. This is normal. This is fine.
If You See An Entity
Do not make direct eye contact with The Thing In Cubicle 4.
There is no Thing In Cubicle 4. See the previous rule about your name.
If an entity offers you a business card, take it.
Networking rules still apply, even here. Especially here.
Skin-Deep Steve will ask what Steve's coffee order is.
He does not know. This is how you tell. Do not tell him he got it wrong. He does not take criticism well.
Exit Strategies (Theoretical)
The exit is always one hallway further.
Than the hallway you're currently in. Keep walking. Statistically, eventually, something happens.
No-clipping back to reality works about 12% of the time.
The other 88% you just find a slightly different hallway. Manage your expectations accordingly.
If you find a door marked "EXIT," it's a supply closet.
It's always a supply closet. There is an incredible amount of printer paper in there, though.
General Wellness
Sanity regenerates faster if you accept the carpet.
As a personality, not a flooring choice. Give it a name. Talk to it. It's a great listener.
Almond water does not, in fact, hydrate you.
Drink it anyway. Morale matters more than electrolytes in here.
If you've been in here longer than a workday, you may already work here.
Check your email. If there's a meeting invite for Level Ω, it's already too late.